Jack The Scribbler

Thanks, Fotosearch

Guy walks into a bar, inspects whatever passes for the decor, and asks how much for a beer?

The waiter, all-too-accommodating, proceeds to give a number, which appears reasonable, so the guy — who is accompanied by an acquaintance — sits down.

Guy orders one round for both.

Suddenly, the speakers go full blast.

Guy is irritated because he may be unable to hear the story of his new-found acquaintance.

Fortunately, management has immediately deemed it fit to turn the volume down to a more tolerable level. After all, waiters are trying to listen into the exchange taking place at the other table.

Some white-haired, middle-aged geezer wearing a loose T-shirt, a pair of shorts and slippers appeared to have arrived late for his date, a young, female hottie with upper body advantages. As the middle-aged guy slips into a seat in front of her, they both smile and laugh.

Guy who just walked into the bar and asked for the price of a beer is not amused.
How come, he asks himself, he’s stuck with male acquaintances on a Saturday night while old geezers like this one — swift dagger look to his left — bags the babes?

He is mystified.

The mix of contempt and regret quickly evaporates as the ice-cold beer arrives.

Both guys proceed to exchange life stories.

First guy is drinking just a few hours of the night away until he gets lubricated enough to write something, he says, without mentioning that he maintains a website.

It’s far too complicated, he says to himself, thinking of some people whom he occasionally meets, asking him: “Website, what’s that?”

Meanwhile, during his turn to talk, his acquaintance tells him that he once drove a BMW out of a twenty-foot metal container.

He says he was assisted only by his wits and two thin planks of wood.

Two planks of wood, he repeats. Two planks of wood.

It happened twice, he says, forgetting the name of the other sportscar.

Guy nods.

Interesting life you’ve led, he says, as he catches old geezer and the girl get into a cab.

He takes another pull at his bottle of beer.

It’s cold and crisp, just about every bottle of beer he’s had since he started drinking regularly at the age of 20.

“At least you were good enough to bring the car out safely,” guy says to his companion.

“You don’t know half of it,” the other guy replies. “Two planks of wood. They were thin — like plywood.”

He nods. The other guy nods. They drink.

In a fit of inspiration, guy says to himself, “Hey, why don’t I write about this cool restaurant?”
———————
This piece of “fast fiction” — for the lack of a better definition — is an unpaid piece for Chickenalicious Restaurant, a newly-opened bar at 22 A Matapang corner Malakas Streets in Barangay Pinyahan in Quezon City. Forgot the price of the beer but you can call them up to ask 227 4323. It’s open Monday to Saturday from 10:00 AM to 9:00 PM. House specialties (which is served with rice) include Chicken Inasal (P83), Liempo Inasal (P70), Pork Inasal (five pieces P100), Grilled Boneless Bangus (P105), Pinaputok na Pla-Pla (P110), Sirloin Oversized Steak (P120), Pansit Canton/Bihon (P75). Chickenalicious Restaurant also takes bulk orders, its says in its flyer.
Just to make it clear: No consideration, financial or otherwise, has been made between the owner of this website and any employee, relative, owner, or stakeholder of Chickenalicious Restaurant.

Yes: you, me, everybody, including Vetellano Acosta, Koala Bear, and Juana Change.

Throw in the whole caboodle of lunatics and psychos out there who grabbed the limelight, talked their heads off, wasted our time, wore out our patience, and dissipated whatever remains of our charity, Christian, secular, or otherwise — Jamby Madrigal, Bayani Fernando, and Anna Susano. These three losers also deserve a free round from Noynoy.

And let’s not forget the two other less-celebrated, brain-dead subhumans who provided some semblance of amusement: The Smartmatic technician who stored 60 automated voting machines in his house in Antipolo City and the backhoe operator who forgot to fill up his vehicle with enough gas, inadvertently introducing the rest of the world to the much-vaunted Ampatuan family temperament.

These two geniuses are also entitled to a cold one.

And it’s not just because Noynoy won the elections, which, in itself, is a good enough reason to celebrate, roll out the barrel, celebrate Oktoberfest in June, complete with Brazilian bikini babes.

It’s just that from the looks of it, a Noynoy presidency doesn’t look too promising.

A week or two before his proclamation, important people close to the President-elect have said that uncle Eduardo “Danding” Cojuangco Jr. — a known Marcos crony — have supported his bid to run for the country’s top position.

What’s the trade-off?

Easy guess: a substantial stake in San Miguel Corp., that’s what.

Twenty-four percent of what reportedly is Southeast Asia’s largest food company is being claimed by coconut farmers.

Worth some P24 billion (SMC closed at P70.50 apiece on Wednesday), the stake was bought using the coconut levy fund, which was collected from farmers in during martial law. The fund was administered by the Philippine Coconut Authority (PCA), which was then headed by Cojuangco.

Cojuangco reportedly used these funds to acquire the stake and claimed it as his own. (Using the same funds, he reportedly bought a separate 20 percent stake in SMC which he directly owns. But that’s another story and another case.)

In May 2004, the Sandiganbayan — the Philippines’ anti-graft court — has ruled that the funds are public.

But so far, authorities have yet to issue an order to return the shares to their rightful owners. Not that that would have any use right now.

In 2009, San Miguel Corp. management — led no less by Cojuangco — voted to have the 24 percent stake converted to preferred shares.

The move will earn its owners — the coconut farmers (not that they actually reaped benefits of ownership) — higher dividend payouts.

But the conversion of common shares to preferred will make farmers lose their claim on the company after a few years. The shares will be transformed into Treasury shares and will revert to San Miguel.

Meanwhile, from the get-go, our future man in Malacanang appeared to have been unable to give a categorical response regarding the matter.

And now that he’ll be president in a couple of days, what do you think he’ll do, given Uncle Danding’s support?

Another easy guess: Nothing drastic to upset an old, lovable uncle.

After all, the old geezer has had enough humiliation already.

When Danding was studying in the US, he reportedly worked as a gasoline attendant, according to Boss, an unauthorized biography written by Earl Parreño.

During this time, Noynoy’s mother, Cory, also a student, was doing volunteer work in the East Coast.

But, in any case, since I voted for Noynoy, I’ll give him a chance.

If he wants to get on the good side of his uncle, sure.

But not before I get that beer.

See you at the street party.

———————

Picture from my GMANews.TV Oktoberfest blog, when I attended the 2009 launch of the event.

Desperation — not necessity — is the mother of invention.
After all, it was desperation which forced me to look for a quick, cheap fix one night when I discovered that the sangria I bought — Maria Clara sangria produced by Destileria Limtuaco — was far too sweet for my taste.
The company’s sangria used too much sugar, making it taste like the sweetener used in taho, a local snack food made from tofu.
But then again, I can’t blame the company.
Majority of Filipinos like to have their food and drink sweet, explaining why local companies produce ham, wine, spaghetti sauces, and indeed — sangria — to suit market preferences.
Let me just say that I have nothing against Destileria Limtuaco and their products.
Fact is, I love their calendars, pictures of which can be found at the company’s website. However, the calendars are not large enough to be used for desktop wallpapers, an oversight that the company should rectify (that is, if it wants increased website visits).
Anyway, a few days before Christmas, I bought two bottles of Maria Clara sangria, which were priced lower than various imported brands.
Although I had tried, liked, and bought a foreign-made sangria before, I was prompted to buy locally when I was reminded that yes, a Philippine liquor company also made and sold sangria.
Besides helping the environment — foreign-made goods, however cheaper, incur more emissions since these need to be transported to our shores — buying Filipino also boosts the Philippine economy since local demand will encourage domestic firms to invest more in their operations.
More investments for local operations creates new jobs. New jobs increase demand for goods, which in turn, will lead to a virtuous cycle since companies will invest more for local operations.
But I digress (and too much at that).
When I finally took a sip of Maria Clara sangria, I realized that I wasn’t only endangering my liver, I was also increasing my risk for diabetes.
So I thought about a compromise, which in some way involved the manner by which I would kick the bucket (I went for liver cancer).
While seeking inspiration, I headed for the apartment’s micro-bar, which, at that time, was running low on supplies.
JMB — that’s Jack’s Micro-Bar to you, my friend — consisted of nothing but bottles of tonic water, a cocktail shaker, a shot glass, and a dozen or so lowball, champagne flute, and wine glasses.
I was then seized by inspiration.
And so, I now bring to you instructions for making what I call the Maria Clara Lite, a drink which I won’t call my own because someone else may have thought of this one beforehand.

1) Put two shots of Maria Clara sangria into cocktail shaker filled with ice.
2) Pour one shot of tonic water.
3) Shake vigorously.
4) Enjoy.

Pay much heed to instruction number four because this formulation can also work as a refreshing midday drink. Cheers!

———————
From the Due Recognition is Given to department. Gratuitous White Castle billboard ad picture featuring RR Enriquez from media.photobucket.com. White Castle whisky is produced by Destileria Limtuaco, the same company that makes Maria Clara Sangria. The pic is arguably a long shot from the blog entry topic but it remains better than a photo of a Maria Clara Sangria label.