Jack The Scribbler

Straight and/or superficial men have something to new rave about. Again.
And its not the latest issue of FHM or Maxim.
Nor is it a stolen sex video of a starlet giving the waiter a generous tip.
It’s Californication, a television show that has given the words “boob tube” a more literal interpretation.
The series — featuring the life and times of novelist Hank Moody, played by David Duchovny — offers what appears to be campy soft porn on cable, a gratuitous T&A show that is just a few shots short of an X-rating.
Of course its not for everyone.
Not especially if your idea of entertainment involves a writer who dreams about receiving oral action from a nun, accidentally sleeping with a minor, or having his young daughter stumble upon a naked girlfriend in his bedroom.
All three incidentally take place during the pilot episode, introducing audiences the world over to Moody, who, from all appearances, is a lucky bastard.
He possesses everything any man from eighteen to eighty would presume to want — a lovely, loving wife (Natascha McElhone as Karen), a cute, quirky daughter (Madeleine Martin as Rebecca), and a successful, lucrative career in the arts.
And that’s just for starters, proving once more that television shows are a fantasy and that life is unfair.
But that’s another story.
The novelist, who drives a beat-up black Porsche, also happens to be charming and good-looking, making him popular among women, including those outside his status, age range, income, citizenship, and hell, even religion.
With just a wink and a smile — and sometimes a little less than that — every other hottie (or cougar, as the case may be) drops their panties faster than anyone can say vajayjay.
And that’s when the good parts, voyeuristically speaking, begin.
Moody, the babe magnet, hooks up with Jackie, a stripper and college student, played by Eva Amurri, who is unafraid to show off her upper body advantages.
Same goes for Madeleine Zima.
As Mia, Moody’s ex-wife’s stepdaughter, Zima refuses to be outdone, proving that she is as privileged as anyone else to offer her puppies up for public scrutiny.
In the meantime, Laura Niles, a generously-endowed model, refuses to hold anything back, displaying what may well be an unforgettable performance while in an unconventional three-way with Moody and his agent, Charlie Runkle, played by Evan Handler.
However tittilating, sex alone does not a good show make.

Laura Niles – Californication – The funniest bloopers are right here

Although it deals with the complications of a man who appears to have everything, Californication also offers literary one-upmanship in generous amounts.
The wordplay and the witticisms come quick, fulfilling viewers’ literary expectations since the show, after all, is about a writer.

“At the end of the day, if you can do anything else telemarketing, pharmaceutical sales, or ditch-digging, major league umpire I would suggest you do that because being a writer blows: Its like having homework for the rest of your life,” Moody says, addressing a high school class of would-be writers.

Californication also gives a nod in the direction of Dorothy Parker, by way of recognizing the contributions of Kathleen Turner, who appears in the third season as Runkle’s boss, Sue Collini, who “always gets her wienie.”
After witnessing Runkle enduring Collini’s mocking yet funny tirade, Moody asks him: What fresh hell is this?
Besides being an original gem from writer Dorothy Parker, it is also the same line uttered by Turner more than two decades ago when she played Barbara Rose in War of the Roses.
Turner may have lost some of her looks, but as Collini, she is as spunky as ever, providing an exciting dimension to a show that has pushed the limits of television.
With quirky characters like Collini, partnered with an clever script, Californication is more than just Sex and the City for Men — it is entertainment, however risque, at its finest.
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From the Gratitude Dept. Some words of inspiration came from Karl Kaufman. Photo of Laura Niles astride David Duchovny from Seat42f.com, which says it was taken by Randy Tepper.

Excuse this self-indulgence but I think Microsoft likes me.
Yes, Microsoft – the company accused of monopolistic practices, sued by the US and the EU, and considered by free software advocates as the “evil empire.”
But hey, I’m easy – I’ll take whatever I can get.
Except that I’m not so sure what the software company can offer me.
After all, I’m not a big Microsoft fan. Nor do I think I fall within its market demographic.
I avoid Word, I stay away from Outlook, and I dislike Internet Explorer. (I use Tex-Edit, Thunderbird, and Firefox).
But that’s at home.
At the office, Microsoft reigns supreme, providing software applications for virtually every task I undertake, save for snacking and sleeping.
This probably explains my indifference when Microsoft – through a public relations outfit – invited me for Bloggers’ Night last January 28 at its Makati offices.
The company wanted me to join its employees and other fellow bloggers for a night of – and I am not making this up – “Fun! Fun! Fun!”
Unfortunately, fun is the last thing I associate with Microsoft.
But all that changed when the company decided to spice up its event.
Attendance to Microsoft’s Bloggers’ Night was only available to the first 100 bloggers who could comply with two criteria: First, their blogs had to be at least one year old and contained a minimum of 20 entries, and second, that bloggers had to be eighteen years or older.
I was up to the challenge and could very well comply with both.
However, my interest was unnecessarily piqued.
What were the restrictions for?
Was the company about to launch the equivalent of software expos in Las Vegas that featured adult film actresses? Did guest bloggers include personalities such as Mocha Uson and pioneers of Philippine adult entertainment such as Boy Bastos?
Close but no cigar.
The first rule was to ensure that only serious bloggers would be able to go while the second was imposed to prevent minors from attending. The company was serving alcohol during the event, reportedly the first time it was doing so in the Philippines, an executive told me.
This announcement alone convinced me that Microsoft was reaching out to computer users such as myself.
And it was doing so through the cheapest and most effective means possible – free beer.
On the appointed day, bloggers of all colors, shapes, and sizes assembled at Microsoft’s offices, eager to meet fellow netizens.
While I shared their enthusiasm, I was more interested in locking lips with a cold bottle of light beer, the brand of which will not be mentioned to avoid giving free advertising to San Mig Light.
An hour or two into the event, everyone was pretty much enjoying each other’s company, an experience enhanced by eating free food and drinking free beer.
By eight o’ clock or so in the evening, it was payback time.
Since Microsoft Philippines at that time already had a captive audience – members of whom were in various stages of intoxication – company representatives seized the opportunity to demonstrate various enhancements found in the beta versions of the Microsoft Office Suite 2010.
While nursing a beer during the demo, I learned that Microsoft’s new version of PowerPoint allowed videos to be embedded, trimmed, and edited, all inside the application.
Using this new feature, regular, run-of-the-mill, garden-variety office drones can spruce up their presentations by using videos from YouTube.
Moreover, Microsoft’s latest version of Word and Excel apps also permitted simultaneous online editing through a browser – a feature demonstrated live between two laptops manipulating the same file.
Under another application, multiple photos of the same subject taken from different angles can be “stitched” together to come up with one panoramic shot.
Overall, I must admit I was impressed with Microsoft’s latest iteration of its Office Suite.
I’ll seriously think about migrating to Microsoft apps anytime I get the chance. Yes, including – gasp! – Internet Explorer.
In the meantime, how about another round, Bill Gates?
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Picture from the Facebook account of MSFriends Philippines.

Desperation — not necessity — is the mother of invention.
After all, it was desperation which forced me to look for a quick, cheap fix one night when I discovered that the sangria I bought — Maria Clara sangria produced by Destileria Limtuaco — was far too sweet for my taste.
The company’s sangria used too much sugar, making it taste like the sweetener used in taho, a local snack food made from tofu.
But then again, I can’t blame the company.
Majority of Filipinos like to have their food and drink sweet, explaining why local companies produce ham, wine, spaghetti sauces, and indeed — sangria — to suit market preferences.
Let me just say that I have nothing against Destileria Limtuaco and their products.
Fact is, I love their calendars, pictures of which can be found at the company’s website. However, the calendars are not large enough to be used for desktop wallpapers, an oversight that the company should rectify (that is, if it wants increased website visits).
Anyway, a few days before Christmas, I bought two bottles of Maria Clara sangria, which were priced lower than various imported brands.
Although I had tried, liked, and bought a foreign-made sangria before, I was prompted to buy locally when I was reminded that yes, a Philippine liquor company also made and sold sangria.
Besides helping the environment — foreign-made goods, however cheaper, incur more emissions since these need to be transported to our shores — buying Filipino also boosts the Philippine economy since local demand will encourage domestic firms to invest more in their operations.
More investments for local operations creates new jobs. New jobs increase demand for goods, which in turn, will lead to a virtuous cycle since companies will invest more for local operations.
But I digress (and too much at that).
When I finally took a sip of Maria Clara sangria, I realized that I wasn’t only endangering my liver, I was also increasing my risk for diabetes.
So I thought about a compromise, which in some way involved the manner by which I would kick the bucket (I went for liver cancer).
While seeking inspiration, I headed for the apartment’s micro-bar, which, at that time, was running low on supplies.
JMB — that’s Jack’s Micro-Bar to you, my friend — consisted of nothing but bottles of tonic water, a cocktail shaker, a shot glass, and a dozen or so lowball, champagne flute, and wine glasses.
I was then seized by inspiration.
And so, I now bring to you instructions for making what I call the Maria Clara Lite, a drink which I won’t call my own because someone else may have thought of this one beforehand.

1) Put two shots of Maria Clara sangria into cocktail shaker filled with ice.
2) Pour one shot of tonic water.
3) Shake vigorously.
4) Enjoy.

Pay much heed to instruction number four because this formulation can also work as a refreshing midday drink. Cheers!

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From the Due Recognition is Given to department. Gratuitous White Castle billboard ad picture featuring RR Enriquez from media.photobucket.com. White Castle whisky is produced by Destileria Limtuaco, the same company that makes Maria Clara Sangria. The pic is arguably a long shot from the blog entry topic but it remains better than a photo of a Maria Clara Sangria label.